I’m sitting here on a rock on the edge of a cliff overlooking a valley and for whatever reason I’m reminded of the first time I ever got mad at God. Like really mad, like the kind of mad you get when you don’t talk to someone for years. When I was a little kid we had a good relationship, or well the kind the Churches’ make you believe is good. You know the kind where you wholeheartedly believe in Hell so you are scared to do anything wrong, because burning for eternity just doesn’t sound pleasant. So I used to pray every night, mostly for things like no floods, no volcanoes, no earthquakes, you know the kind of things all kids pray about. Then my grandma got sick and the nature of my prayers changed. I knew a lot for a kid and I always knew from things that I would over hear and the way all of the adults acted things were worse than they were telling us. You could see the sadness written all over everyone, but none like my Grandpa. One look in his sad eyes and you knew that things were grim. So the prayers became “please don’t let my grandma die”. I cried, I bargained….you know the “I’ll never be bad if you just let her live” kind of bargaining. We all do it at times of desperation when you know the only hope you have is if God almighty steps in and creates a miracle for you. There was no miracle, about 6 months after my Grandma had announced (as cool as you can imagine while peeling carrots) she had cancer. This is what started my rage at God.
I’d like to say I got past it quickly, but anyone who knows me will tell you I’m stubborn. This was a grudge I was planning to hold onto, because obviously it has to be someone’s fault when bad things happen. So I figured why not blame God, and sure enough every time life threw a curveball that I found unfair or painful I chucked it at God. I know I’m not alone in this you hear people all the time when something bad happens saying things like “God must not exist”, or “God is cruel”. I find it ironic that the very things that lead you away from the belief in God are the very same type of things that bring you back to a relationship. There comes a point when you’ve been knocked to your knees hard enough, when you can no longer see anything in the situation except for God. To make a long story short I finally found my belief and lost my anger. It’s not the same type of belief that it used to be since my belief is no longer based in fear or in a God that is only there to judge and punish. I use terms like Spirit, Universe, and on occasion Goddess, they all describe the same thing to me. I discovered a God that is Love, nothing more, nothing less, just Love.
So why am I reminded of this while sitting here enjoying the peace? I think it’s because sometimes you need to be reminded of how far you’ve come. Sometimes a memory is just there to remind you to always be grateful for every situation. It’s funny how if you try you can look back on any situation no matter how horrible at some point and find the roses that came from the thorns. Every event in our lives is there to teach us something, even death. Sometimes death no matter how unfair it seems can teach us how precious time is. We all know there really is only one true rule of life, it’s that none of us are getting out of her alive. So sitting here right now and seeing God in everything, every rock, every tree, and feeling God in the breeze that’s blowing through me reminds me of a time I couldn’t see that. So I close my eyes and say a silent thank you to Spirit for allowing me this kind of sight.
They say if it scratches, bites or stings it lives in the desert. I usually think about it like that when I’m driving through it on the highway. I’m from the mountains, where there’s pine trees and lakes and wildflowers, not cactus, snakes and anything else that bites. Every now and then I get a glimpse of the desert from the other side, from right down inside of it. It’s always so much different than it is when you are just looking at it from the highway. Everyone talks about all of the things that scratch, bite or sting and they forget about the flowers, the wildlife and today butterflies….lots and lots of butterflies! I don’t think I’ve seen that many butterflies since I was a five year old and we lived in Missouri. It was amazing! A spiritual teacher of mine once told me that if you’re paying attention the Universe sends you signs of what’s to come for you. He went on to say that if you know it’s medicine that anything can be a teacher. The plants, the trees and most importantly the animals. It isn’t a coincidence when a certain animal crosses your path, and if you study their medicine you’ll know what messages they bring you. So anytime I see an animal that I don’t normally see a lot, I study their medicine.
The butterfly is a potent symbol for those considering or in the middle of big changes. Butterfly comes to teach us that changes doesn’t have to be traumatic. Butterflies are the symbol not only of change, but of joy, creativity, freedom and color. Well no wonder I’m seeing so many butterflies in the middle of the desert! That message wasn’t just for me though, I was with my Dad, and I know that it was for the both of us. In different ways of course. As I looked at my Dad today I realize how much he’s not the same strong man he used to be. The years have been hard on him, and if you look closely you’ll see the scars he carries with him. The love, the sadness, the traumas and the loss. Somehow sometimes when you look that closely at someone, not in a judgmental way but in a, I want to understand who you are kind of way you’ll find the scars they carry are not much different from your own. They just carried their scars in a different way than you. He’s faced many changes in the last 6 months, from major back surgery that will keep him from ever being as active as he used to be to the loss of his little sister. As always he makes it through to the other side just as determined as he was before and just a little softer around his heart.
The other animal that was out of the ordinary today was a Roadrunner, literally running down the road (if you could call it that) in front of us. Roadrunner medicine tells us that because the Roadrunner is always thinking of ways to get what it wants it reminds us to use the ingenuity of our minds. Roadrunner tells us to “think” our way out of our problems and that we have the mental capabilities to fix or change any situation. This one I know was just for me since I’m the only one who saw him, and if I could master the art of slowing my mind down to one thought at a time I would say that’s great medicine. Even without the messages from the animals, today really was just a beautiful day in the desert. Even though everything in the desert really does have thorns including me by the time I left. There’s still the unexpected surprise when you come around a corner to an oasis where a little stream is running and the trees must be hundreds of years old. Then there’s the surprise you get when you get smacked with a stickery bush because you were concentrating on how pretty the flowers were on some cactus that’s all full of thorns but just as beautiful as a rose. The desert is kind of like life, full of things that are out to scratch, bite or sting us and yet full of so much beauty.
“Everyone wants to be the sun that lights up your life, but I’d rather be the moon that shines down on you during your darkest hours of life.”~Unknown
I don’t know how many of you go outside and check out the full moon, if you don’t you should it’s always the most beautiful sight. Of course I’ve always had a thing with the moon any way. When I was a kid I used to crawl out my window at night in the summer time and lay in the grass looking at the stars and always during the full moon. Sometimes I’d even take walks at night, normally the forest scared me after dark, but somehow under the full moon it was different, protected almost. It’s probably amazing that I never ran into a lion or a bear, but I think I kind of thought how could anything scary find you on such a beautiful night. All these years later as an adult, here I sit out under the full moon thinking, how can anything under that sky be so bad, even now I still love the moon, it helps me find my center.
The full moon is also a traditional time of letting go of the things in our life that no longer serve us. I laughed a little when I thought what else could I possibly let go of when I just got through condensing everything I own to the point that it fits in a 5×5 storage unit. Lucky for me this is a super full moon followed by an eclipse which I just read is all about tying up loose ends, and initiating what we want to create in our lives. Perfect time for me to read that as I have been contemplating stepping back into the past, because the future is a little scary right now. That is the last thing that you want to perpetuate during an eclipse, the habit of always going back to what’s safe. If you do then that is what you’ll always be doing. The saying “familiarity breeds contempt” exists for a reason. It exists for anyone who can’t step into the future and let go of the past out of fear.
So here I sit watching the full moon and remembering my beautiful day. Yesterday had me running backwards, back towards my comfort zone, and today one step at a time (no matter how small) I am moving straight into my future. So what then am I choosing to let go of…”fear of flying” is what I wrote on the piece of paper that I’m going to burn in a minute. Not the fear of flying like in a plane, the other kind like a trapeze artist without a net. Step one in this new equation is turning down all job offers that only serve to move me in the wrong direction, and initiate only those things that serve my future. Sooner or later we all have to step off the cliff and grow our wings on the way down. It’s the magick of the moon….there’s nothing it can’t help you figure out.
Sometimes you have to lose everything to find yourself. I can’t remember where I heard that, but as I sit here tonight in my half empty apartment it keeps running through my head. It seems like I just moved and got rid of half my things. Yet the reality of I’m moving again and getting rid of the rest of my things is staring at me amongst all of the boxes. I know I should be completely freaked out right now, funny thing is there is such a calm about me ……..
A few days later……
It was a hot miserable day today so I’m sitting outside on my dear friends patio looking at the sky and hoping to catch a glimpse of one of those stars that you can’t see through the city lights, and I’m thinking, I can’t believe I really did it! I can’t believe I actually quit my job, got rid of almost everything that I own, gave up my apartment and am now relying on the kindness of my friends for a place to sleep. The part that is the most shocking is the knowing that I have never been this brave before. Certainly not brave enough to not be afraid. This time that little person inside my head that says “what the *#$% are you doing” hasn’t found it’s voice. I can honestly say that in the best of times I don’t remember ever feeling this at peace. It has been amazing how swift and smoothly things are transitioning in and out of my life. Some days I can’t believe how quickly the things I need are being brought to me and how fast the things that no longer serve me are disappearing. I think this is the process they speak of when they mention “letting go, and letting God”. It’s faith for sure there is no doubt.
This story does have a warning for others however. Remember that saying your mother used to use….and yes all mothers used this one “be careful what you wish for, you just might get it”. About a year ago I was sitting with my Life Coach and we were discussing how I could get better at letting people in…you know, like actually connecting with people in a real way. I laugh now at how a couple of times he would really want to do the facepalm, but instead would just look at me and say “this can’t be this hard!” Hardest thing I have ever done in my life coach! This of course was in the middle of a lot of hard things like moving out of the house that had been my home of 17 years, and quitting my job where I was secure and embarking on a new adventure. (Said new adventure turned out badly if you hadn’t guessed that) I have to say though that during this last year of my life I have made some of the best friends that I have ever had in my life, and learned how to connect with anyone almost instantly. That part of the journey I would have to say has been well worth it. Don’t get me wrong here I’m not saying that I’m cured and I’ve gotten completely over my whole letting people in thing. It still seems that those I would most like to let in are the ones that are the hardest to give a key to. Now I see myself still learning this lesson and finding myself learning to let people in, in a whole new way. I’m not sure if my coach would be proud that I’m doing it, or still shaking his head going “this can’t be this hard!” All I have to say for myself is apparently some people have to do things the hard way, and my parents often tell me that I’ve been hard headed since birth.
Even with all of that I’m still at peace. I’ve come to the conclusion that the peace comes from finally having a clear vision of the things I want. It’s crazy how the universe works, get rid of everything you have so you can find what you want. For the first time I have a clear vision of the me I want to become. I feel like I have direction in a way I’ve never had it before. The difference in this one and the old one? This one isn’t about the pursuit of money. This vision is in pursuit of just being the best version of me that I can possibly be so that I can help others become the best versions of themselves. Sometimes you have to lose everything to find yourself…..or maybe that should read sometimes you have to let go of all the things you think are everything and go out and find what’s real. What’s real is our connections, not just to our family and friends but to all of the people that we meet every day. They all have something to teach us if we’re listening.
I bet you’re asking yourself who is this woman that thinks she’s special enough to call herself Wonder Woman? So I’ll tell you, she’s nobody special. At least no more special than you are. I’m a woman that believes that we not only all deserve to call ourselves Wonder Woman, we are all Wonder Woman in our own unique way. The only thing standing in our way, is the fact that not all of us have discovered that’s who we really are. I’ve spent most of my life going from Dorthy in OZ…or in my case more like Kansas, I can’t say I have ever made it anywhere quite as exotic as OZ. Kansas Dorothy never even wanted OZ, what she really wanted to be was Cinderella, that is after all the most coveted of the “happily ever after” tales. Unfortunately for Dorthy Prince Charming was never going to make his way to Kansas….so she settled for the frog. Only to wake up one day and find out somehow she’d slipped off into a dream where she woke up as Alice adventuring through Wonderland. Seeing things that she never thought she would see, things she never wanted to see, and wandering about with no real direction. Ultimately though during her time as Alice she learned that if you see things as you think they should be you’ll always be disappointed, but if you see them as they really are, with no judgments or expectations you’ll always see the beauty. This is what has finally allowed me to see my true self…Wonder Woman.
For you to know why Wonder Woman, I guess you’ll have to understand my concept of Wonder Woman. For me it’s not really about the sexy Goddess with the magic bracelets, and the lasso of truth who goes to work every day a normal woman and spends her spare time fighting bad guys in a cape. Wonder Woman for me is more like a combination of the sexy single mom, who goes to work a little crazy every day, the woman who’s afraid to show her emotions for fear that she’ll look weak, the spiritually depleted woman who can’t find time for God, or the insecure woman who tries to find her beauty in what others think of her. Wonder Woman to me is all of these women, when they wake up. Yes they do wake up, we all do. On the day we ask the dreaded question “does it really have to be this hard”? That’s the day the process begins. The reason that’s such a dreaded question is that we all know that as soon as we ask it, the answer is a coin toss between “no it doesn’t” and “Yes, and it’s going to get harder”. The thing about harder is, that’s where all of the learning takes place. Either way at the end of the journey, when we wake up, everything changes.
For me lately change comes so fast that my life looks different almost every day. Most days I’ve learned to just flow with it and try not to get caught up in the waves, but there some days when the old familiar anxiety/stress response tries to sneak up on me and knock me off balance. Thus far I have managed to land right back up on my feet every time. I’m doing things lately that I never thought that I could do, and most days making it look easy. One of the hardest to deal with changes is my emotions, I’ve never been big on expressing myself, but lately I find it doesn’t matter what it is, if it’s appropriate for the situation the emotion is being expressed. The funny part is that as I should be feeling like I’m wandering around lost, I’m actually feeling more stable than I’ve ever felt. I feel like I could conquer the world…if I only had the leotard. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that for me becoming Wonder Woman has been an awakening to my true self. Awakening to the reality that reality truly is whatever you make it. Awakening to the fact that we are all Wonder Woman and none of us really need the bracelets because everything we need is already inside us.